Pickup Lines
by Creamed
Summary: Pickup lines have gone into the phase. Completed. JPLE
1. 206

**Pick-up Lines**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.**

**AN: The story of one of the many useless attempts by James to 'win' Lily's heart.**

James stared at the 11 foot parchment Sirius had jus handed to him. No, it wasn't Lily's essay.

Title?

Pick-up Lines

And Sirius even bothered to categorise them. There were:

The Regular ('Did it hurt when you fell from heaven')

The Bad ('I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle'),

The Good ('Do you believe in love at first sight or shall I walk by again?),

The Corny ('Do you have a bandaid, 'cos I scraped my knee falling for you'),

The Sweet ('Hello, Cupid called, he says to tell you I need my heart back'),

The Funny ('Hey, I'm looking for treasure, can I look around your chest?')

The Best ('If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!')

And

The Plain Dirty ('Can I tickle your belly button… from the inside?')

James of course had to read all of it, it was after all Plain Dirty.

He glanced up at Sirius who looked very pleased with himself.

"My favourites have stars next to them in which I'm gonna use every one of them on Minnie for the rest of my Hogwarts career… like that one," Sirius pointed at one in the 'Funny' section and read it out "Was your dad a baker coz you have a nice bunch of buns?"

James raised his eyebrows.

"Why thank you dear Sirius, and no he wasn't but I do exercise them quite frequently in the shower, I can do you a demonstration now –" James started to pretend to flex his ass muscles. Sirius roared with laughter earning a grunt form Madam Pince.

Suddenly Sirius covered his eyes and his himself in the head.

"Oh the bad images," Sirius cried in agony.

Madam Pince grunted again.

James stopped and scanned down the list… well more the 'Dirty' section. He furrowed his eyebrows at one.

"Sirius, what's Titanic?" James said as he pointed to a particular pick-up line.

Sirius read it out.

"Let's play Titanic. You'll be the ocean and I'll go down on you."

Sirius scratched his head.

"I think Remmy mentioned the deep and meaningful meaning behind this…"

James widened his eyes, playfully pretending to be overly shocked.

"You mean these pick-up lines aren't from you! Who would've thought the second hottest guy in Hogwarts didn't make up his own pick-up lines! Oh think of the agony!" James exclaimed.

Madam Pince. Grunt.

"Er … well –"

"He did know any good pick up lines other than 'Nice shoes. Let's screw.' So me, the King of Moons decided to help him out,' Remus popped behind them and ruffled James and Sirius's hair.

"Oh the bad images!" Sirius squealed.

Madam Pince let out a grunt… seems louder than usual.

"Ew!" Sirius grabbed the nearest book and banged his head with it.

Madam Pince. Louder grunt.

"Moony mooning… ew!"

"Sirius…" Remus started as Madam Pince made her way over grunting.

"What?"

Remus and James dodged as Madam Pinces charmed their belongings to hit over their direction. A book slammed into Sirius's face.

"Ow!"

"THAT'S _IT!_ THIS IS LIBRARY, NOT A QUIDDITCH STADIUM! GET OUT! _GET OUT!_" Madam Pince screamed in Sirius's ear. Sirius widened his eyes, grabbed his belongings and ran out of the library. Remus and James came chasing after.

"Argh! That bi –" Sirius started but then shut up he felt a warm puff on his shoulder. Madam Pince was seething with anger and narrowed her eyes like a fox's eyes fixed on its prey.

"And my dear _children_," she hissed, "Don't _ever_ come here _again_!"

She turned swiftly and walked away.

Sirius ran around the nearest corner, obviously terrified that she'd curse him into next Tuesday.

James and Remus chased up to him and conjured a glass of red cordial to calm him down. Sirius – the main trouble maker was getting on a high on this.

"What were we talking about before the banshee threw us out?" Sirius choked out as they were walking down the corridor.

"Erm… Titanic," James said.

"Ha ha, the Titanic pick-up line?" Remus said amusingly.

"Er… yes," James said slowly.

"Well, basically the Titanic is a big ship that crushed into this iceberg in the ocean with couple of hundred people on it," Remus said slowly. Sirius snorted.

"No offence to the muggles but can't they see a big chunk of ice popping out?" Sirius said.

"Er…"

"OH! Now I get the pick up line… oh! So it wasn't the big fish theory!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Oh yeah… ha ha, Remus, your pick-up lines are funny!" James said.

"And you know how girls like funny things, with this long parchment, I'm sure to get a bedfull tonight!" Sirius daydreamed.

"Does that mean Lily would like funny pick-up lines aswell?" James inquired.

"Actua –" Remus started.

"Of course!" Sirius cut Remus off, "Who wouldn't?" They turned a corner and saw Lily walking down the other end. James quickly ruffled his hair.

"Okay… pick-up lines," James closed his eyes and randomly picked one from the list and made his way to Lily.

"Good luck," Sirius whispered.

"Oh dear," Remus muttered.

Lily looked up and raised her eyebrows.

"What do you want Potter?"

"Well Lily… You have 206 bones in your body… Do you want another one" In the background Remus started banging his head on the wall.

Sirius sniggered then joined in with Remus banging his head on the wall saying 'Oh the bad images'

SLAP

James stood there flabbergasted.

"_Get lost Potter_."

**PLEASE REVIEW (you can get a cookie smiles sheepishly)**


	2. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognise.**

**Authors Note: You guys have an effect on me (it's love). After much thought (yes, that alone took around 10 months … note the sarcasm: I am _very_ lazy), I decided to write an epilogue. This fic is no longer a one shot and this is the last chapter. I know, I should be doing my other "unfinished" one – but I got bored of it … and now that I think of it; it's pretty stupid in some ways.  
Well anyways thank you for reading and reviewing on the short last chapter.

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**

**Epilogue**

"_You have 206 bones in your body… Do you want another one?"_

Sure, it took James a whole month to actually understand and process the meaning of the pick up line and the reason why Lily slapped him when he said that – but he understood none the less.

So, from that day on – in which he understood the meaning of the pick up line, he got a bone whenever Lily was around. Just in case.

"Hey Lily! If you come with me into this broom closet, you'll no longer have 206 bones!"  
Slaps James  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevans! Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii've got an extra boooooooooooooonnee!"  
Slaps James  
"If you don't come get my booonnnnee, I'll give it to Sirius!"  
Slaps James andSirius gags "Prongs, just because I'm a dog, doesn't mean I'll go chewing after every bone I'd see, otherwise half the male population would not have their man hood anymore"  
Slaps Sirius

Soon after James used a whole range of other pick up lines from Sirius' 11 foot parchment of pick up lines.  
"Evans! Is your dad a thief? – because he must've stolen all the stars in the sky and put them in your eyes"  
"Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree."  
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3 and a half inches and it ain't floppy."  
"You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case."  
"Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus."  
"Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position."

… and another Titanic joke:  
"I'm bigger and better than the Titanic... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic"

Two years after school, Lily Evans Potter had 206 … no longer.

It was 207.

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**Thank you all. Please Review!**


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